It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog, but I think it's important to reflect quickly upon the happenings of last semester. I've had an amazing semester. It has been, without a doubt, the most intensive semester yet. I have worked hard at home, at work, and at school. I checked my grades today and I believe I did well. 3.78 is an admirable GPA, I think. I am not concerned about it, though. For once, I am truly happy. For once, my life has exceeded my expectations. I see so much loneliness and desperation around me. I can take comfort in the fact that I never have to worry about being alone. I have found, and continue to expand my group of friends that I trust and that return the love that I show them.

I am not without flaws, though. I continue to push to improve my sense of self, to overcome my addictions, to be more patient.

If nothing else is guaranteed, it is the fact that I will be able to write this entry again. I will be able to document my growth and my tribulations. Through it all, though, I'll have my love with me. Nothing can replace that.

Joshua

True Love

From the beginning of time, unknowing teenagers have asked others when will they know when they are truly in love. The same vague explanation has been given since then. “You’ll know when it happens.”

The truth is, though, that love is not indescribable. Instead, there isn’t enough words to describe it’s magnificent complexity. Your true love makes you feel warm, comfortable, safe, beautiful, and so much more. It’s overwhelming to think of the number of times I have smiled just at the thought of him.

No relationship will be seamless, though, not even true love. It takes compromise and heartache at times, but it weathers through it all. Too many people continue to live in heartache. Their days are constantly filled with rebuke from everyone surrounding them. I pray that my life with you will never be filled with these moments, but instead filled with joy and prosperity.

I feel your support in everything I do. Surely this is more important than anything else in my life. Nothing could make me feel better.

You tell me stories of drug houses, advantageous sexual thrills and of unfaithful behavior, and all I can think of is how happy you make me. All I can think of is how complete I feel when you’re near me.

The Ride Along (Part II)

....
Just as our conversation was wrapping up, we received our first call. It was after midnight, and back up was needed at Studebaker West. The engine sped us to our destination, throwing me back in my seat. I understood why some might be afraid of his driving.

We pulled behind the first cop to arrive and I was told not to “… get in the middle of anything.” I trailed behind, trying not to get in the way or pressure the two males being questioned. I heard the first officer ask them how much they had to drink, but I could barely hear because I was so far back. I inconspicuously attempted to edge closer to the scene. Still 20 feet away from the officers I sat on the cold cement edge of the patio. I felt its smooth surface as I listened intently to what was happening. “There is an easy way and a hard way,” I was surprised to hear the officer say. The student continues to purse his lips, not daring to speak. He sits there, staring blankly at the police officer, afraid of what might happen if he admits to drinking. After collecting their IDs, the officer calls the station to run their names through the system. They’re clean. I can tell he is getting frustrated by their silence. “I mean come on,” the first officer said with a raised voice, “this is not a hard question. How much have you been drinking?” Silence still filled the area. Without a sign between the other officers, Honeycutt walked away from the scene.

He started towards his car; unsure of where he was going, I followed him with my eyes for only a second. I returned to staring at the young men and two other police officers quickly. I had to see what was going to happen next.. I continued to sit on the edge of the patio waiting for one of the students to break under the pressure of silence. Officer Honeycutt returned after only a moment. He carried with him two devices to test their breath for alcohol. The devices weren’t as accurate as breathalyzers, but they would do the job. Tyler, the guy on the left, never stopped arguing with the officers, even after both tested positive. Frustrated, I heard an officer say in a powerful voice, “I’m not here to debate anything with you, I could take you to jail!”

“I know that,” I heard Cameron, his friend, humbly say. He went on to explain, “I feel intimidated by you, I didn’t feel like I could tell you that I had something to drink, as a minor.” The officer replied almost reassuringly, “All you had to do, is tell the truth” Left with no choice, the first officer on the scene ticketed both of the students with underage drinking. I heard Cameron get choked up, he released a faint cry from his chapped lips and hunched over his lap, sitting limp on the edge of the patio. The first police officer explained to them what to do following their citation. When he was finished, the boys slowly walked away, and the group of police officers smiled. They recounted the events. “Ya, I was ready for you to let them go with a warning,” said one. “If they would have just told the truth…” I heard another say.

Your Love

Your love encompasses me.
Your love pets me at night.
Your love takes care of me when I am sick.
Your love is only for me.
Your love for me is never ending.
I do not deserve your love.
You have done so much for me. I could never express what your love does.

My love for you is real.
My love for you is unmatched.
My love for you keeps growing.

Love Can Liberate

Maya Angelou has said, "If you want to liberate someone, love them." She went on to explain that unconditional love was needed. Unconditional Love. That's a powerful thing to give to someone. While few of us may ever accomplish unconditionally loving someone, let us ponder the power that it has.

If a friend doesn't appreciate what you do for them, and dares to love others who do nothing for him more, you love them. The annoying person who always sits next to you and never shuts up, you love them. The friend who sees you, but ignores you. Love them. The partner that is late to brunch, you love him.

What an amazing dream. What an amazing ideal. I will attempt to become more loving in my life, and I believe, through the help of my partner Steven, I have made progress. I am going to reach for more, though. Hopefully, whether I am informed of it later or not, I will have an effect on someone. Hopefully, someday, someone will be overwhelmed with my love. This feeling will give them the courage to live a happy, fulfilling life.

Someday.

Effects of Promiscuity

I was headed to the police station for my ride along, but I was early, so I stopped in at the student center to go to the bathroom. I opened the heavy wood door to the Men's Restroom and walked in. Three urinals lined the inside wall. A condom was floating in the first urinal. I was shocked by this open display of promiscuity. The carelessness of discovery. When will some people develop decency?

I pondered the results of this encounter, and many others that occur nationwide--worldwide. This promiscuity leads to STDs and government intervention with health costs. While I certainly do not condemn America providing those with HIV help, I find it disheartening that those who are infected with it through repeated actions of promiscuity do not realize their life ending behavior (before and after they discover they are positive). No one can draw a line of when it is acceptable to withdraw medical assistance to those that choose to live such a lifestyle. The only thing that our government, and all of us can do, is to educate others. I know of no other solution to this problem.

The Ride Along

I approached the house at five minutes to 11 PM. It was April 13th, a dark Thursday night. The smell of someone grilling grew stronger as I approached the police house, now shadowed with orange lights to keep the area bright. I walked in the door and attempted to use the intercom. I stared stupidly at the metal box, waiting for some sign that it was working (Figure 3). I heard a clicking to my right and saw through the glass openings of the door that someone was unlocking it. I opened the white door, and explained why I was there. The lady told me to wait in the waiting room until the briefing was finished, a silver stud pierced through her nose distracted my attention as it shined by the fluorescent lights.

I hear people entering and exiting in the back of the house as I rely on Michael Jackson’s music video Thriller to entertain me. I hear an officer in the back offering rice krispies to the other officers as the cheesy plot of the video makes me smile. I didn’t know what to expect, I mean, I’ve seen Cops, I know what happens on ride alongs, but what was going to happen to me. I secretly wished for something horrible to happen. I had a commitment to my readers, after all. I took the time while I was waiting to come up with ridiculous possibilities of the nights events; it helped the time pass after the music video ended.

Finally, Officer Honeycutt came out and took me out to his car, I was surprised to find that there was a JVC brand cd player in the dash. I always assumed that police cruisers didn’t have a stereo in the car. I didn’t inquire about the stereo as I sat awkwardly in the chair waiting for something to happen. It was 11:41 PM before the wheels finally started to roll, my heart, on the other hand, had already been reeling for over an hour.

The engine roared as Officer Honeycutt told me not to tell him if I get scared of his driving.When we get a “hot call,” “… [you can] be scared, when I get scared,” he said. A “hot call,” is when the officer gets to speed and run through lights during an emergency. “I trust my driving, and if you tell me that you are scared, it’ll distract me. I have to scan more when I drive like that,” he explained. Doubtful that I would afraid of his driving. I still showed my support for his driving by referencing a video I saw, “Ya, I understand, I saw a documentary on The Discovery Channel, I think, about the increased training that police officers have for driving,” I paused, rethinking where I saw it. “Or was it Police Academy?” I jokingly questioned myself. I shrugged my shoulders and the purr of the engine returned to the foreground.

The Interview (Part II of "The Police House")

I quickly scribbled it down before asking him to describe the police subculture. He stopped me, though, and took control of the progress of the interview. He wanted to discuss the history of the police subculture first. This way, he explained, we could see how it has developed over time. I willingly conceded and allowed him to navigate the conversation. He was an expert, after all.

Mr. Fey referenced three former key aspects of the policing subculture. There is the political aspect, “being on the take,” and “street justice,” he explained to me. I was confused and yet excited. I knew that insider terms were desirable, but I had no idea what “being on the take” was. I asked him the next chance I had. He defined it for me by putting it into a real world situation. “We’ll help your retirement if you look the other way,” he explained. I listened intently while flicking my blue pen in between my fingers. He made sure I understood that “being on the take” involved the exchange of goods for favors before he pointed out that all three aspects dramatically lessened over time.

While “street justice” is insider language, it is easy to comprehend the meaning. “Street justice” involves police officers beating someone up instead of arresting them for a crime. Mr. Fey once again called upon a hypothetical situation to illustrate his point. He said that the officers had a choice, that they could take a criminal to jail, have him be a burden on the taxpayers, “or just plain kick his ass.” He then said, “And are they going to learn their lesson?” Silence fell upon the room. I opened my mouth after a second or two to answer, but I was interrupted. “Of course they will,” he finished. Internally, I cringed at what seemed to be Mr. Fey’s rationalization of “street justice.” I highlighted, in my mind, how he obviously did not mention the nuisance of filing stacks of paperwork in regards to the police officers’ decision. Ultimately, the police officer decides to commit a crime, or to arrest someone for their illegal activity. There is no rationale for breaking the law when you are entrusted to enforce it.

After he brought up “street justice” several more times throughout the interview I finally confronted him. “If beating someone up is teaching them their lesson then why is our crime rate still so high?” He was silent so I continued, “I understand that it significantly decreased in the 1990s, but if police are truly teaching these criminals their lessons, then they would stop committing crime in the future, which is obviously not the case. Therefore, street justice isn’t accomplishing anything is it?” Mr. Fey sat there flabbergasted. I pompously looked into his eyes and started to catch my breath. The room was quiet, yet the silence was reverberating. We were alone, and the noise from his assistant in the next room seemed to slow to a stop. Confidently, I observed him, my chin high in the air and my ideals unwavering in the face of law enforcement. No one said anything for what seemed like an eternity. We sized each other up, and I knew, at that moment, that we had an understanding. He started to clarify his position, but I stopped him. “I understand what you mean, though,” I said. We continued to stare, for just a second longer. We moved on to the political aspect now, him feeling satisfied with my response, and me never feeling so defiant or free in my life.

The Police House

Police cruisers surround the ragged white house. Slate colored shutters define the front windows. An old air conditioner juts above overgrown bushes originally meant to embellish the house. They now stand disfigured after years of abuse. Next to the back door, cigarettes float in a puddle of water. The Ball State University Police Department resides here.

I arranged to meet Mr. Fey at this tattered white house on a windy Tuesday morning. He is the associate director of public safety, and has been a police officer for thirty years. My father knew him, and helped to make all of the arrangements. The sun began to drive through the heavy clouds as I walked through the front door. I was promptly greeted by the secretary. She stood behind a clear plastic divider, just like one you find in prisons.

She pointed me towards a room, and told me to wait there until he was ready to see me. I walked through a door and to my right was the waiting room. I sat nervously in the chair waiting to be attended to.

Mr. Robert Fey appeared after only a minute or two and ushered me into his office. Its beige walls were sterile and plain. There were bookshelves on the back wall and mini-blinds on the window. Books and knick knacks littered the shelves. He wore a suit. His red tie shot from the grey chasm and commandeered my attention. My pen was pressed to the notebook I brought. I waited eagerly for him to say something profound so I could record it. With a nod of his head and confidence in his voice, he started the interview. “Let’s hit it.” Finally, I had something to write.

Shame In Sex

Our society has a problem. It sees nothing hazardous in casual sexual experiences. It no longer prizes modesty and the exclusivity that making love once had. These wreckless actions not only cause distress by opening yourself up to disease and heartache, but cheapens the entire act. The same can be said of making out with random people at parties. What is saved for your partner? What do they get from you that no one else has gotten from you?

While, in the past, I have engaged in selective casual experiences, I am now put into the position to tell the love of my life that he was not the only man I've messed around with. I feel shame for this. He has explicitly denied others who have tried to engage him in any sexual activity. While I have denied others and saved making love to him, I regret not holding on to more special moments. These unique and special connection allows a couple to become closer, and to appreciate sex more.

I used to be confused by people who don't kiss anyone until marriage. Now it makes me smile. Someone is so committed to making their love special that they give up kissing boyfriends until marriage. That's amazing, and I applaud them.

I see promiscuity, devaluing of women (into purely sexual creatures), and cheating. It saddens me. Challenge yourself to protect yourself. Protect yourself from disease, from being devalued, from being preyed upon by those who hold a power of you by setting barriers. Do not negotiate.

Love yourself, completely, before you share yourself with another. It takes a thoughtful man, it takes a life partner to make your complete, so wait for him. It will be amazing, even if neither has experience. Part of the advantage of discovering yourself with your life mate is that there is no pressure to do something you are not comfortable doing and that you can discover yourself with them. You can realize new things about yourself and what you like with them. It's beautiful.

Love is Constant

I just had an engaging and unique experience with Steven.  All I can say is that love is constant.  Many things in love vary. They change person to person. They change over time. Its unity and consistancy doesn't. Ever.

My love for Steven has made many things change.  While we were watching Madea's Family Reunion I had a realization.  I couldn't believe it. We were watching a comedy together and it was expanding my view on love and spirituality. The grandma was discussing God, just like she always does. When she did this she spoke to something inside of me.  

My faith in God has been gone for a long time.  It is difficult for me to explain my love for Steven without a reference to a higher being.  Something so perfect, and so complete must be employed through God.  Love cound't have been simply a development in evolution. It was a gift. It was sanctioned to be something so pure that it must be shared. I refuse to believe it was chance that we found each other.  I refuse to believe that something flawless originated from something tainted.  

I pity those that will never feel love in this way.  Their loss is stifling, but their ignorance will shield them from harm. 

In short, love expands horizons, opens eyes, and permanently connects two people. 

I Have It All

How many can say that they have it all? That they have everything they ever need to make them happy. I can. I have my amazing boyfriend Steven, I have close friends, I am excelling in school, I have a supportive family. Steven would do anything for me, and likewise, I would give anything to be with him. My friends are here for me when I need them. We are able to be honest with each other and listen to each other gripe about school, or boast about our week. My grades are doing exceptional. I am currently a member of two honors societies, and my grades continue to increase. Even more importantly, the schoolwork is allowing me to expand my horizons. It allows me to learn new things. My family has been there for me. It took Steven to help show me, but they have. I couldn't ask for more. They may be extremely religious, but they love me unconditionally. Every aspect of my life is growing and developing into something of even greater importance.

How have I gotten this far? I attribute it to working hard. I can't help how my family acts, so that's just a blessing. I can affect everything else, though. Steven and I have a healthy, loving, committed relationship because of the work we have put into developing our morals, expectations, and standards throughout our life. We are in similar places in life, but with individual perspectives on issues. This allows us to help each other grow. We both work to keep this relationship healthy. It does take time! To have a strong connection with each other communication is one element that is needed. We have that. He makes me indescribably secure, loved.... just loved.

My friends are a gift to me. Kyle and I are close, especially now that we are living together, but we've had our tussles. Believe me. We've had some throwdown fights y'all. Through it all, though, we're still friends. We're able to tell each other what we feel (usually) and that allows us to be friends. I can only see our friendship getting strong once we are both not in the same room with each other all the time. Heather and I also have an amazing friendship. She always has this perky attitude about her. Even when life sucks, she makes it work. She is one of the most giving people I know. She'll help you regardless of how busy she is. This quality about her amazes me, and I deeply appreciate her constant efforts to help others. I have many other close friends that don't go to BSU. Martin and I just recently re-connected. We had been friends for a long time, but didnt actually talk for a long time. Now, we have that communication, and that mutual bond between each other and it's letting our relationship grow. I can't explain how amazing my friends make me feel.

My family has never been very strong. We don't have a "we'll always be family" ethic about us. Regardless, they still love me deeply. At first, when I was coming out, I was upset that they were still religious. They were going to the church that betrayed me. That only made it more difficult to come out. I resented them. My Dad throughout made me feel loved, though. Once again, we've had some throwdowns about religion, and some intelligent conversation about it as well. Throughout time I have come to appreciate his deep love for me along with his reliance and belief in his faith. I am probably closest to my father, but my grandparents are amazing. I could call them up right now. Anytime, and they would help me. They would take me to where I need to go. My grandparents only listen to Christian music or to religious ceremonies in their car. Initially I had difficulties understanding them, but I can now appreciate their faith. I understand them better, and I am very thankful that I can comprehend their reasons for doing things now.

Wire-Tapping

Some are concerned about their privacy in the light of the revelation that the government is reviewing email, phone, and library records without prior consent. how! why! People are afraid for their privacy. Perhaps they should be. I have things I don't want others to know. Everybody does. We've all broken the law before. Could this foreshadow something even more profound? The government keeping tabs on its citizens, making sure they are following its laws.

Some ask where does this end? These privacy concerns, while important, should be factored against critical security issues. America is hated by the Arab world. Some may claim that it is because of our direct actions toward them. This may seem true, but the actions of the entire Arab world towards America because of Danish cartoons reveal their true intentions. They burn American flags in protest. They burn American companies in protest. They destruct anything that has an opposing view that they do. They cannot comprehend diversity. American efforts to foster democracy is a joke. It will never succeed. Why? The people aren't ready for it.

The powerful dictatorships. The genocide of cultures. Hate is taught to these people. The environment they live in brews hate towards our culture irregardless of our actions. If we were to increase our foreign aid of their countries, not only would they accept it, they would despise us even more. Their expectations are as high for us as they are for their battered wives. As their murdered homosexuals. As their corrupt officials. Peace has no chance of survival in this environment.

Because peace has no chance in their culture we must protect ourselves. They have proved their intention. They have proved their capability. We have proved our ability to be unified. We proved our ability to defend ourselves. Let's not waste that now. Sacrifices must be made to ensure a safe nation from a fanatical nation hell-bent on our destruction. Their mission may seem sensationalized and fictitious, but its consequences are real. Let's not waste this oppurtunity.

Education

We should all strive for more.

It saddens me to see highschool students giving up on school. Coasting by. A decision to prosper later in life must be chosen. It isn't easy for everyone to graduate highschool. It isn't easy for everyone to graduate college. It still must be strived for.

In order to achieve this success you must believe in yourself. You must have an indistinguishable fire deep within your heart. Not everyone will make it to the level that I am at right now. I will not make it to the level that others have. I don't claim to be the smartest, wisest, or best looking person. I claim, though, to have achieved all that I have due to my determination and my parenting. More people need to strive for where I am. More people need to strive past me, and then accomplish it.

Predjudice: Is My Own, Is Our Own

I have spent a lot amount of time writing this blog entry. Contemplating my life, upbringing, and the society around me. Why does our society ridicule overweight people? Why does our society revere those with defined bodies?

Experts lecture us about "being healthy". Diet commercials reassure us we can get even tinier. Why loose the extra 5 lbs.?

This pressure we all feel is petty. Meaningless. There are more important things to worry about than tweaking our bodies. Isn't there?

We living in a society with a diverse collection of people. Many celebrate it. So how do we act towards those that are different? Towards those that put a higher priority on other things? I'm sure you will agree that respect is often lacking. How does our society act towards obese people? How do you act towards those who are obese? Through contemplation, and the help of my boyfriend Steve, I realized how I acted towards those who are chronically obese. How I acted was commonplace. I treated them kind, but superficially. I saw them as less than ourselves.

What caused them to be obese? Given the pressures of society, it certainly wasn't by choice. The actual cause of this condition, while unique for each person, is irrelavent. I long for the day, when everyone will realize what I have. The day where everyone will look beyond initial appearances. The day when the judgement of character will depend on actions, not on waist line or dress size.

As a final note, this change in me makes me glad that I am not a static being. That I allow myself to expand my perspectives and attitude. This is why it is important to change, to grow. As humans we must experience life. We must allow ourselves to spread our branches as our roots continue to dig deeper into the soil, grounding us in who we are.

Oh, Here You Are

Comfortable in my position on this floor, and in my sexuality I put up signs all over my door. One read i heart steve, another read Sorry, I'm an Economics Major. Kyle repeatedly hung my "i heart steve" sign on the inside of the door. I confronted him about it. I wanted that sign on the front of my door. I wanted to scream it from the top of the building. Nothing was going to stop me from saying it. Everyone already knows I'm gay. Who cares!?

The second night it stayed out on the door. The ignorance of some members on my floor became apparent. I got up from my bed to go to the bathroom quickly, then I would return to Steve. It was Sunday morning. I looked at my door and someone had written on a watercolor my little brother Matt made for me. It read, "Hello Ma, I suck dick for nickels." The message annoyed me, I'll admit. The main reason for my frusteration was that they wrote it on the drawing my little brother did for me. He made that just for me!

I replied to the message. My response enlisted the use of such phrases as "gigantic loose pussy" and "just knock." I was shocked by the response to such a special gesture. I don't hit on the guys on the floor, don't stare in their rooms as I walk by. In fact, I go out of my way to not see anything in the showers, out of respect for them. In fact, my communication with people on my floor seems to be mainly limited to the other gay guys on the floor.

While this certainly doesn't toss me into a level of depression, it may toss me into a sense of activism. If someone feels so threatened by that sign, what does that say about our society? A society unable to tolerate love.

Super What?

Things really have changed. My beliefs in social programs, my friends, who I trust, how I spend my time, where I live. It's all been altered. I always find it fascinating how quickly life can change. Amazingly, throughout all this change I still have amazing people to support me. I love them for this. I honestly don't know what I would do without my Dad. I would be so lost. He sees things so clearly. He's the best person for advice.

College doesn't just educate you about what is going on in the world. It throws you into society, this is why I think it is so important to live in the dorms. To get away from home. You learn about people in real life. You learn from people. No longer are your parents there to pick up the check, to take care of everything, to protect you. Looking at others' flaws you have the ability to see your own.

With my father, while he may not protect me, I am able to go to him for counsel. That's what is important. I know one day, he will leave me. I hope this day is in years from now, but he will leave someday. I will have no control over when this occurs, but something does give me hope. I see similarities in Steve and my Father. I know he will be there when the time comes to oversee me. He wouldn't leave my side.

I Love all of my friends, and while I don't love them all equally, I greatly appreciate their commitment to me.

Love,

Joshua

one more thing...

Oh. one more thing.

Don't criticize my choice of ex-boyfriends simply because of their age. Those that criticize my choice of them, I think it's really ironic, have the suckiest love life. Maybe all of you that are so close-minded about it should take a few cues from me and perhaps you could be as happy as I am with my boyfriend one day. When you make decisions solely based on people's appearance, it not only shows how shallow you really are, but you end up alone.

So, Cheers!

Ground Rules

I'm not your bitch, don't hang your shit on me

I'm just going to lay down some shit right now, because right now, I'm feelin' it.

Don't talk shit and expect me to always take it.
Don't lie to me. ever again.
Some people never change.
Don't be a hypocrite.
Don't be wishy-washy.

This is not going to be one of those bullshit, "I'm done" posts. Or one of those fake, "I'm going to do _____ from now on." This is a post to simplify my feelings from the last few days. While things change so quickly in my life I'm glad I have constants in my life: Steve, Heather, etc.

P.S. >> Isn't that ring gorgeous!!! Steven gave it to me just because (well, so i could have a constant reminder of his love).... count 'em 30 diamonds.

God

I have been reading my history books and I have come to a realization. The Bible was written by a bunch of stupid mofos. I'm sorry, and I know most reading this won't agree with me, but honestly. These people don't even know how to read and we are citing them as credible sources. It may have seemed like all the water was turned into wine to the people around, but poof, a quick switch-a-roo and it's even better.

Moses' rod turned into a snake!! Oh!! Pretty sure if David Copperfield can make the Eiffel Tower disappear, that he could do that too.

It just doesn't make sense to me. It's not logical. That's faith. But, this is logic.

I'm Not A Spiritual Person

I am not a spiritual person, and yet I am up at 1 am thinking about true love and my boyfriend. Could love be destined? Is there really a one and only?

I remember I asked my Mom and Dad once if they believed one could ever truly love more than one person in their lives. If I remember right they both said yes after an extended explanation.

I know this defies reason and what I've been thinking all my life, but I honestly believe, with a doubt, that I have found my true love. I have never and could never love someone like him. He helps me become a better person. He makes me want to be a better person.

Ever since my belief in God has been shaken I have pondered on love. I eventually came to the conclusion that there was no such thing as destiny. I concluded that love was simply possessing the right characteristics, with the right person, at the right time.

There is nothing simple about it, though. Love isn't simply anything. Love is love. Love is fulfilling. Love is all encompassing. Love is forever.

Upon thinking about my own question further I have come to the realization that true love is forever. True love.

You may love someone, break up with them, and love someone new. In true love that could never the case. With true love, only they could fill that coid. Only the look on their face can bring you joy. Only the touch of their fingertips bring you pleasure.

I am blessed. I have found this love.

Leave The "Driving" To Us (Part 4)

Desperate, I walked around the mall. "Ohh. Cute. A Build-A-Bear Workshop. There must be a God. I walked my ass in there as fast as I could and stressed for a bit over which animal to make. I already knew who I was going to make one for.

Finally, I found one. A small, cuddly lion. I waited in line behind a little boy who was making a dog with his dad. It was so cute. When the puppy "took a shower" and he got to choose whether he wanted him to smell like vanilla or cinnamin he giggled and ran around in between his father's legs. adorable. I thought of how fresh it was to see a father taking an active role in his child's life while I waited. What a good dad.

It was finally my turn and I got to make my lion. I was definitely in the mood to skip over the kiddish attributes of making an animal. I really didn't want to kiss the hearts and see him taking a shower. I cut the employee off when she was doing all of them. "It's much more enchanting for 6 year olds, I'm sure," I said.

I named my lion Leo and made his birth certificate at the coputer before paying for it. I headed back to the Bus and wrote this account. It's 20 after 7 and the new bus still hasn't shown. Here's hoping it will arrive in a second so I can go hang with Steven at the movies until the morning light.

8:45 - They still haven't come. All my tech is about to die. I don't understand how it could take 4 hours to get here. Ever. Shoot Me! My night is never going to end. I can't sleep on this bus, I'm afraid I'll miss my exit. Get here and take me home goddammit. President Bush responds to disasters faster!

9:20 - They arrived! I heard people in the front get excited. I heard people in the back scream "about time". The passengers around me called their family members relieved. We were all excited to be moving and to be coming home.

11:00(ish) - I arrived in Anderson, IN. I was greeted by Steve and Natty. Steven gave me a huge hug. We held each other for several minutes. Both of us thankful that I arrived, finally. They took me home. I love both of them dearly.

This experience attempts to show how frusterating life can be at times. In the end, though, the very end, things work out when you have loving friends and a boo as good as mine.

Leave The "Driving" To Us (Part 3)

A new rumor had just started. Her license plate had expired. No. Her license had been suspended in Michigan. "Well, who cares, we're in Ohio," I heard one say. The driver came back into the bus. She said that her license had been n suspended in Michigan for a car that she no longer owns. She doesn't understand all of this, but she cannot drive any further. I call Natty and talk to him and my boo about all of it. Steve tells me not to be frustrated. "Everything will work out." At the time I'm still pretty cool about the situation, though, and I brush off his comments. Little did I know how important they really were. The cop then comes in the bus and yells to get our attention. We are pissed already. He tells us the story again. He tells us that he cannot allow her to drive any further because if she were to get in a crash they could sue his division. ("What a comforting notion - I'd let u go but I may get sued...") He followed us to the mall at the next exit. We waited for a driver from Detroit to drive us the rest of the way. They told us it would take 2 hours. I began wishing we were back in Toledo, even the smell of the bus station that took my breath away was better than this. 2 Hours!!

I called Natty again and was ready to bitch to my boo about this entire situation. At this time my humor in the situation faded completely. I was pissed. "I'm so glad that the trooper dropped us off at the mall here in Defiance, I am surrounded by Bob Evans and Sears. Where the fuck am I supposed to go!?" Frantic, an idea came to me. I should record this down. "Imma come back with a story to tell!!!" I said excitedly.

I went into the mall looking at the stuff at the dollar tree. I only got what I needed. A pen, paper, and handfulls of candy. Dinner and my needed tools for under 10 bucks. So fresh!

I was bummed out 'cause they were out of gummi candies when I was crunching on stale Mentos. A Bath and Body Works!! I walked into the store thinking this who situation may not be as bad as I thought it would be. I walked out of the store with 75% their deep hydration conditioner and some hand repair coconut lime verbana lotion. I checked my phone every few minutes. I didn't want to miss my bus. We shouldn't be here for too long. My battery was increasingly getting lower and I started to freak out. I continued walking about the Mall, working on my man-strut in Hicksville. "God, there must be a GAP here... somewhere."

My spirits were increasing. "After I walk through this mall and record this down it'll be time to go. No problem." Boy, I was wrong.

Leave The "Driving" To Us (Part 2)

I looked over to the bus driver as we pulled over to the side of the road. I started looking around the bus while turning down my iPod eager to hear news on what was happening. I heard the people towards the front join the chorus with the driver that she couldn't have been speeding. "No... No... you couldn't have been speeding... I saw...". The mysterious nature in the bus reached new levels as we waited for the officer to get out of his car and talk to the driver on the side of the road.

There were no formalities exchanged. The first thing the patrolman said when he arrived was to move over so we were completely off of I-24. We complied. Word then got around that we were pulled over because we were too close to the car in front of us. The story started pouring out once word hit the passengers. The person in front of me pointed out that we were in rural Ohio. "We are in Ohio. mmhmm. People are really prejudice here." Another passenger offered another perspective on why we were pulled over, "He saw a woman driving a bus and he needs to get his quota of tickets."

The patrolman returned to the side of the bus to ask for her lisence and registration. She quickly gave it to him as people loudly protested us being pulled over. us. a greyhound. The drive continued to maintain her innocence, talking about how she just got out of the light so she couldn't have been tailgating him. She had, after all, received every ticket she had gotten on this stretch of road. I relaxed in my seat, smiling at the situation, but eager to return to the road. I had plans that night, I had only so much battery time left on my iPod and cell phone. I had to ration off my battery so i turned off my episode of Lost that I had just started to watch and put on a CD.

Everyone was already getting restless and we had only been on the side of the road for ten minutes. I just thought about how we would be back on the road in a few minutes. All this would soon be behind me. If only I knew what was going to happen next...